"Hello, dreamers... I am officially overwhelmed, and I officially wonder if it ever happens for me. We all have these dreams that may seem so unreachable. And then reality kicks in of loneliness, deadlines & lack of belief in yourself. Not a lot of people ever talk about what's it really like to try to make it when you are alone trying to build something over and over and over and no one has wanted it for over 7 years. But this is the point. I want to be an example that it is possible.
Sometimes I think of this baby girl of about 4 years old who was dreaming of coming to United States as she was signing a song about American guy. She didn't really understand the words. But the word "American" captivated her. And then I come here as an adult first for college and then for this "American guy" who dumped for someone else. Not exactly a happy ending I prophesied when I was little. Nothing here happened like I imagined: some of it better, some of it just so confusing, so different: not bad, just so so different.
I imagined US being a "paradise" - the one that they show in perfectly scripted Hollywood movies - in reality: there are problems here like anywhere else in the world. There are millions of dreamers here who want to make it just like me. But why should I make it?? Why me to have all the glitz and glam that everyone wants?? I ask that God all the time. And I also ask God: "Will I ever make it? Will I ever be this useful inspiring "superstar" in my industry that everyone competes to be. Will I ever be??"
The reality of it is: the one who can withstand the most, wins. So, I lay on the couch with a headache and a neck pain just from the full day. If you, guys, only knew what my days could look like. It's like a TV show every day. Sometimes I spend days creating; sometimes I travel meeting so many people from all walks of life at one time who are so interesting and seem so interested in me. I love it, but being an introvert it also drains so much of my energy.
Sometimes I just want to lock myself in a closet and don't see anyone for a month. But then I have a few days break, sometimes in bed, and then I want to go out and see you, guys. It's an unexplainable feeling of "a little" public life I am living. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle it because it only gets bigger and better every day. You just won't believe it... I must remind myself: "Isn't it what I want??" They say: "Be careful what you wish for..." So so true in my case.
So much is happening so fast. I am so scared to fail myself again. When I was at the peak of my career at the age of 20 I developed a food disorder because I could not handle the pressure. This time I have this fear every day of not being able to handle it all and slip. I know that I can't do food disorder again because if I do, I'll die really fast. You, guys, know I almost died from it in my 20s.
What else can I do?? When no one knows fully my vision, and what I fully want? Basically I am learning that even if I get a professional help, only I can fully help myself. Plus I don't have any family here to help me, so I must really find a way... What is the way?? Sometimes my mind is racing so much, I just want to disappear from the world. I think of drugs and alcohol as my remedy. But I know I can't physically and logically do it because it will kill me.
So, I keep laying on the couch, and I start praying to God to help me. I say: "God, you gave me all of this. Please help me handle it." I sit up. Play with my dog for a few minutes. And somehow I find a second wind, and I start writing this post... Wow, I think I found a way to handle the pressure: PRAYER!!! And I so wanted to share it with you!!
For me it's God. It's amazing how it worked. From now on if I feel overwhelmed, I'll just pray. For you: pray, believe in any other higher power, whatever. But understand (and most successful people will tell you) that you need to have something to push you through when times get hard. And if you are shooting for the stars, they will. Find a way for you asap, so you don't turn to unhealthy ways like I did. I would choose food, too much sleep or feeling sorry for myself way too often. None of these ways help get where I need to be. God does!!
I really hope you'll find a way that works for you. And, most importantly, I hope you'll find what it is you love doing and have an opportunity to actually do it. I am so happy for people who are truly living their dream. I want it for me. And I want that for you. Can you find what you love and execute it in the best way possible? Can you handle the pressure of demands thrown at you?? You can do it!! I always say: "It's all just part success!" I believe in you, if no one else does... Why not you?" Marina Amdream