"When I have this thought that I know could be beneficial to so many I rush to my keyboard to write it down. I am a writer at heart and I am so grateful for the opportunity to do it. The more people I meet the more people tell me that they love my writing and I thank you! I know this is for me because I get an unexplainable feeling of fulfillment once I finish my thought. Whether people getting a satisfying feeling from what I write, I'll never fully know. But I always hope that it helps someone. Excuse my selfishness, but it helps me...
Today I want to talk about this sense of depression that seem to never want to go away. Why is that when I feel like I am at the highest of the highest a feeling of sadness comes in. I must fight by literally talking myself out of it. I say to myself: "It's ok. I am happy. All is well. I am very accomplished!" Those words make feel better. The last one may seem arrogant, but it's something that I must remind myself to be on a better path of self-love. Saying good things to myself helps a lot.
What I find is that once your experience depression, sadness, abuse, trauma, poverty, disease for a very long time, being in a bad place becomes a habit. It becomes this comfortable feeling that is sooooo hard to let go of. I hate it. I hate feeling sad. Why am I even sad?? I have God! I have a passion. What I do is getting better day by day. Why in the world am I sad?? If I could afford right now, I would get professional help. Do I really need a professional help??
Almost every doctor I have ever went to tells me I am depressed and stressed and I need to take medication. Even my ex instead of helping to figure it all out kept telling me: "Go see a doctor." It was his way and many other people's saying: "You are crazy!!"
Am I?? Why should I believe what other people name me?? What is "crazy" anyway? "Acting irrational - however people defining it??"
- I act "weird" all the time.
- Let me tell you: "I am one of the weirdest people you will ever meet!"
"Can't control your temper, anger, patience??"
- Well, I am a master of not being good at any of those things. So, am I really crazy or people just make it up??
I think what it comes down to is how you see yourself and if you notice or accept change in you. After all the horror life I have been through I don't even know how I still function. I have a shaking nervous feeling inside of me all the time that I try not to pay attention to. How am I even alive??
Here is the bottom of it. I am finally saying to myself as often as I can and your should to: "I am done!!!" I am done being unhappy. I am done believing that something is wrong with me. I am done with listening to other people not understanding me. If you can't handle my "crazy," maybe we should not be in each other lives. I want to be happy. I want to finally accept myself with all my bursts of anger, lack of self-control and impatience moments. Why is it so hard to accept me as I am?? You know why?? Because I have a hard time accepting myself as I am. I want to be this perfect role model thousands of people want me to be. Is it even possible??
What's possible is loving yourself for who you are: your character, habits, ideas, actions. Today is the day we can start treating ourselves with respect and once we do, we will feel the sunlight shining on us a little differently. We will be able to shine on others differently as well.
I have this friend that I fight with all the time. What I am noticing is that when I am truly happy with what I am doing, his imperfect moments don't bother me too much. And that's the secret to a lot of violence and bad relationships: love yourself and what you do. Then it will be easier to love others. Once you love yourself and others and what you do I believe in the future you will not have even slight signs of depression and if you want to call it this way "craziness."
Just be yourself. Love yourself as you are. And pure happiness will come your way. I really wish one day your are going to shine like the brightest star that no longer knows pain, but joy, peace and love. To many more years of bliss. Wishing you all that your heart desires." Love, Marina Amdream