"It's been an emotional roller coaster for the last 48 hours. I almost wanted to quit writing. It's a lot, you guys. If it was easy, everyone would do it. I thought when I get my final divorce papers, I'll become magically a better writer or something. When this moment has come to announce that I am officially divorced I don't even know what to say. Does it even matter?? I have told only 3 people that. Now you know if you care...
Maybe as I go along in my life I'll be able to use my story better. Today I am a quitter writer. As you read this you may see the difference between Marina that makes an effort and Marina who just does not give a damn...
I always wondered what's it like to be free again. The weirdest thing is that I had my ex cheating on me in my dreams several times. Well, it happened. Did I just knew it was going to happen, or I wanted to happen?? I think these dreams just indicate that I was not happy with that person. Yesterday he finally died in my mind. Not literally (all though who knows), but after I got my final divorce decree, it felt like he died.
A bad human side of me wants to go ahead and tell nasty revealing truth of our relationships because I have the right to do that. The good side of me just enjoys being free so much. I have been going around the house dancing and singing: "I am a free woman." Even started writing my 4th song about this whole situation. But, most importantly, I have been able to focus more on my work. When I am free from this toxic marriage, I feel so good!!
The interesting part about this whole thing is that on the day when I was supposed to have my Birthday celebration I found out that I am 100% divorced. How cool is that?? No one showed up to my private Birthday Party though. Not surprising, but it did kind of sucked because since it's my final divorce day as well I so wish they were there for me. I only invited 5 people that I thought were close to me. Not one was available. I get it though because I gave them a pretty short notice and life happens. Or I am a very lonely person when it comes to celebrating my Birthday. Oh well, I know a lot of people that are good to talk to from time to time. I am blessed to have them that way.
Regardless that no one showed up to my Birthday it was awesome. I bought decorations, lasagna, salad, sweets, Birthday cake, party favors & drinks. I sang myself a Happy Birthday, me and my roommate took bunch of pictures, ate and it was just a very special night to remember. When I was married for 6 years I never had a Birthday Party. So, to think that on the day when I found out that I am fully divorced I got to celebrate my Birthday for the first time in a very long time, it made it so special to me. I am so happy.
What I am learning that it is ok to be lonely as long as you find a way to make yourself happy. The more you make yourself happy, the more the world will seem happier around you. By throwing myself this little Birthday party I feel happy and like new again. I am confident that I am going to have an amazing year and, if I want to have a Birthday party next year, I will have more than one person to celebrate it with me:) I sure of it:)
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am my worst party planner, and I just don't have a lot of friends. So, the fiasco with the Birthday Party is totally normal in my world, and the reason I am sharing it with you so, hopefully, you can relate. I am not your fake Instagram model who takes these happy pictures, but she is broken inside. When I fail, I tell you. When I win I tell you. This is what makes me different from any others motivational writers out there.
As you see it's ok to pamper yourself. It's ok to throw yourself a little party if you want one. The universe just need time to line up that you actually want people in your life. Yea me: living a very lonely life and then expecting anyone to come to my party. Am I crazy?? No bad blood between those who did not show up. (Al though with one in particular we are not going to do any serious business with - that's for sure.) I just need to build up the friendships and relationships around me. That's all:)
If you want relationships, know that it's work. I am not always the best at it. I fear that most close people around me don't feel like I take any interest in their lives. I do. I am just so focused with work right now that spending a lot of time with friends is just not possible. Add to that me being an introvert - that makes a perfect combination of loneliness. Also, some people say: "It's lonely at the top." Is there some truth to it??
I think my writing got better as I went along. I am glad. I got worried for a minute that I would completely quit it. I can't. So many people tell me: "You are good at it. Keep doing it." This post is not meant to offend anyone. It's just how I felt about nobody showing up at my party when I was so looking forward to it for at least two weeks. I am not a quitter. If I set out do something, I do it. So, I did do the Birthday party even though it was just for me. I am happy you, guys! I look forward to my next chapter of my life. I have a feeling it's going to be a great one. Wishing the same for you, dreamer!! Go out there and conquer the world. You can do it!! Why not you??" Marina Amdream.
UPDATE: "I got a threatening hate message because of this post. You, guys, relax! It's writing of a character. Is it true or is it fiction?? It's for you to decide. No hate intended on my part. It's a story to empower others as always. That's it:)" Marina Amdream.